I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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