Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
