I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
