Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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