So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
