She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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