Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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