and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
