I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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