dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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