Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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