god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
