Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
