What did we do last night that was yellow?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Randomize
