Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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