Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
