When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
