His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
