Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize