A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize