Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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