he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
