ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
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