How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
