Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
