the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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