OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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