I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
