I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just want to make out with him forever
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
