i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
