We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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