my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
