I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My ass is underappreciated
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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