if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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