somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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