You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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