I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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