I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
