ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
