A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize