Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
