Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
