I can tuck mytits in my pants
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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