is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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