i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
