By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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