i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize