My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
