I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
