tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
