I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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