When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
