At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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