I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
