How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
