Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
