Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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